And Baby Makes Three

Working on Staying Sane

I keep having the silly notion that I'm getting over being back to work and not being with Gabrielle all day. Then something happens that sends me into an emotional tailspin.

A little background: She had her four month appointment a week or so ago and she is over the 97th percentile for both height and weight: 17 lbs. 11 oz. and 26.75" tall. The doctor said to begin introducing cereal, then orange and yellow vegetables, one per week. He wanted us to begin moving her to these less calorically dense foods and away from "just" formula. [We had given her a tiny bit of cereal around two months, with the doctor's grudging okay, because she was drinking voraciously and still seemed hungry. She must have been going through a growth spurt, because soon afterward she no longer seemed to need more and we discontinued it.]

This time around she wasn't crazy about the cereal initially. The box of Gerber's Rice Cereal said to really dilute the cereal when introducing it -- one tablespoon of cereal to four or five of water. The first time I tried it, I think she was too tired and not hungry. The second time she made faces, got upset, and didn't take much. Last night was much better. K. and I both were smiling and encouraging and we got her to take a bit. I told my mother-in-law, who was visiting, that I didn't want to make the cereal with formula, as I was concerned that then she might not want it made with water.

This morning my husband was still in bed when I left, as he'd had to work all night. His Mom offered to take the next bottle and also give the baby some cereal. I said, Sure, thanks. My husband told me later that she'd made it with formula. I got so angry. I felt as if she had snafued what I was trying to do because she felt she knew better than me. My in-laws have always been great to me, but I expect my wishes, as Gabi's Mom, to be respected.

In the general scheme of things, it's just a bowl of cereal. And my m-i-l wrote me an email to tell me what she'd done and explained that she'd made it with half formula and half water and thought we could just taper her down little by little. I'd actually planned to try that if I had to, except that I'd thought we were making progress with the "just water" mixture.

Am I crazy that this made me angry?

Bottlefeeding vs. Breastfeeding

I planned to breastfeed for at least three months, possibly six. I had a breast pump, nursing bras, read books, and attended a breastfeeding class. I had concerns that my one flat/inverted nipple would give me difficulties and that my large breasts might make things harder. I was also concerned about pumping and storing milk once I returned to work after twelve weeks and trying to get the baby used to a bottle before that time came. I determined to give it a try and see what happened.

When my darling daughter was born, we attempted to breastfeed. Gabrielle was not able to latch on to my bare nipple. A lot of times, it was difficult to even get her to open her little mouth. We used various mechanisms to "perk up" my recalcitrant nipple, but if she didn't latch on on the first try, it flattened or inverted again. A lactation specialist worked with me all night, trying different positions, and eventually trying an SNS (supplemental nursing system) whereby formula was dripped through a very thin tube into a silicone breast shield. Gabrielle was able to eat this way, but I didn't feel as if my breasts were getting any stimulation. I was encouraged to use a hospital-grade electric breast pump to try to get some colostrum out so it could be fed to her. I used it for 10-15 minutes on the highest setting I could stand. It was uncomfortable to painful and when I was finished, there was nothing in either of the bottles. The cup around my breast had a slight coating of colostrum, so I gave it to Gabrielle on my finger. It was a symbolic gesture, as I'm sure she only got a tiny bit.

My daughter was hungry and I wanted to be able to feed her. I didn't want feeding time to be a battleground between us; I wanted to bond with her. I was so concerned that if she couldn't latch on at the hospital with all the professional help, that I'd be in real trouble at home when my milk came in. I made the decision to switch to bottlefeeding.

I still wish I had been able to breastfeed, to give her the immunity boost and other benefits, but in other ways I feel that bottlefeeding eased the transition for her when I had to go back to work. She was already used to having her Daddy feed her; he is home with her when I am working. I missed her so much when I had to return that I don't know if I could have stood the physical yearning for her that my full breasts would've contributed to the mix.

I wanted to write this entry to hopefully encourage other mothers out there who are feeling guilty because they opted to feed their baby formula instead of breastfeed. The most important thing your child needs from you is love. Formula is not poison; it is the next best thing to breastmilk. It's been around for a long time, it's safe when stored and mixed properly, and provides good nutrition. Make the best decision for your child with your partner and don't feel that you have to justify that decision to anyone.