And Baby Makes Three

The First Cut

Well, it's official -- I'm a terrible mother. No, I don't really think that, but that's how I felt when I nicked her tiny, beautiful little fingertip when I was trying to cut her nails this afternoon. I noticed some little scratches on her face this morning and realized it had been awhile since I'd cut her nails. I took care of one hand and changed her position to do the other. She began to fidget, but I thought I could finish anyway. When it happened she immediately began to cry, so I scooped her lovingly to my chest and cradled her head until she calmed. I thought her finger had stopped bleeding, but later I noticed traces of blood on the front of her outfit. Sniff. Some people recommend biting the nails off rather than using the little nail clippers, but I'd had good luck with them until today. Sigh. So, what have I learned? Wait until she's limp and relaxed, preferably asleep, in my arms; make sure the light is really good and be very, very careful!

Melted into Liquid

I feel as if this time with the baby, and having gone through pregnancy, labor, and delivery, has melted me into a liquid form. If I used to be solid, now I am liquid. I feel my thoughts flowing in new directions that wouldn’t have been possible without these adventures, even (or maybe especially) the difficult ones. If the path of my thoughts before was contained between the riverbanks of what I had experienced and what I expected from life, now my thoughts and my life have been forced to create new tributaries, to flow over waterfalls and under new bridges. I find myself going through a re-evaluation of what is important to me and what I can leave behind like layers of silt on the river bottom.

An Amazing Thing

I just woke up a little while ago, on my own, because I was no longer tired. It is late morning, almost noon. How did this miracle occur? My husband put the baby to bed, after a hungry, fussy period that followed a dinner out with friends. I climbed in bed about midnight. We'd "negotiated" that I'd take the next bottle and he'd take the one after that. The baby woke me around 5:40 a.m., if I'm remembering correctly, and by the time we finished the whole routine (changing diaper, warming the bottle, eating, burping, laying down in bed again) about an hour had gone by. I was probably asleep again around 7:00. I woke briefly when the baby cried the next time; I usually have to nudge my husband awake when it is his turn. Biology is what it is -- Mom always wakes up. But I fell back to sleep. I wish we could do this every night, but most nights during the week I take the whole night shift because my husband has to get up early to work. Once I go back to work, I think I will ask him to put her to bed at night and I'll take the crack of dawn bottle, so I can spend a little time with her before I leave for the day.